Yep. You read that right. Feeling only slightly better than sewer sludge, I just grabbed a cough drop out of the bag kept in the magic drawer (every office should have one- the drawer that has a little of everything you might need- emergency hair spray, tampons, cold & allergy meds, enough food to get you through a 3 day blackout where you’re so pathetically lazy you won’t use the stairs to escape the building and instead opt to wait it out with the shoe collection under your desk and the bobble head collection on the shelf until power is restored and you can use the elevator like every other self-respecting lazy slob in the building. Or is that just me?) and sure as shit, it has little inspirational quips printed all over the wrapper. Thank you Halls, I wouldn’t have gotten through my day without your sage bits of motivational prose…
Oddly, this seemed to say I should run with my one and only vaguely amusing thought for a 10 Things Tuesday Post… 10 “quirks” of being me. So here goes:
- When making sandwiches, I HAVE to assemble the sandwichy stuff onto the piece of bread on the right. I’ve tried to convince myself, just once, to use the left piece but it can’t happen. I am convinced the universe will somehow shift out of geosynchronous orbit and plunge us into nuclear winter. It just wouldn’t be right. Sandwhichy goodness on right, left piece of bread for the topper. PB&J is the only sandwich that can be made using both pieces of bread. Always peanut butter on the right, jelly on the left.
- M&Ms must be separated by color and eaten in the correct order. Brown, Red, Orange, Green, Yellow, Blue. Red and Orange may be flip flopped occasionally as may green & yellow, but only with each other, never another color in the order. Anything else would be chaos.
- Applesauce must be pink and never, under any circumstance, be purchased from a store. It is best when erroneously credited to Grandpa, actually made by Grandma, but since that’s no longer possible I will go with a reasonable facsimile created by me. Or anyone else who knows how to make a proper homemade applesauce. But please, spare the world the agony, don’t offer that mealy pale-yellow crap up to anyone. Even your worst enemy deserves better.
- A proper shower goes like this: Wash hair, wash face, shave any parts that need it, wash, rinse. Do not mess with the order. Messing with the order will likely result in disaster. Or stinky armpits cuz you messed with the order and forgot a step. Just stick to the plan.
- Meatloaf is best when made with raisins. Again, there are just certain things one should not question, one should just go with them and no one gets hurt. But trust me on the raisins.
- All one really needs to find happiness on the darkest of days is a new box of Crayolas. A coloring book is a nice bonus but not necessary, just the crayons will do. There’s something about the smell of a brand new box (preferably 64, but 8 will cut it in a pinch) and the look of those perfect points that takes me back to a day when the worst crisis was missing Sesame Street or Mister Rodgers. But be careful, they’re really sharp.
- If you expect me to pay attention, don’t expect me to put down my knitting or sewing. I fidget when my hands are still. Can’t focus on anything. It’s best to just think of me as the weird girl with the knitting and move on.
- I’m not allowed to buy new Packer jerseys for myself. I, apparently, have some sort of bizarre power to end careers when I love you enough to sport your name on my back. There may be a caveat in which I can acquire your jersey sometime in your rookie season as a Packer since I did not end Favre’s career when Dad surprised me with a #4 in the summer of 93, but since then, I’m the black death. Got my prized Kenny Ruettgers jersey & he blew out a knee, got my Don Beebe, career ending concussion. I still wear your names with pride, I hope you don’t hold my pox against me. Brett, sorry I didn’t get a Jets jersey a few years back. Sure, I’d have felt bad contributing to the end of your career initially, but I think we can all agree your name would have left a much more pleasant taste in the mouths of millions of Packer fans if I’d have done it. We’ll show you the love again some day but for now, you have to understand… You wore purple. This will take some time to recover from.
- If ever I can’t fall asleep, all I need do is put The Princess Bride in. It’s like the ultimate bedtime story. I’ve seen it so many times I can recite the dialog with the volume muted and I can see the scenes with my eyes shut.
- I can’t leave the house in the morning until I’ve kissed each of the “kids” good bye. In the event someone is hiding, I must give extra kisses to one of the other kittens to pass along. In the event the missing critter surfaces before I get out the door, the other 2 need catch up kisses so as not to think I’m showing favoritism. It wasn’t exactly my idea not to have human children so I spoil my cats. If you don’t like it, I don’t care.